* A NOTE ABOUT THIS POST: I was originally not going to post it because it is so negative, but I just re-read it and I think it is an important part of my journey here to document the lows along with the highs. Reading it now is inspiring because I see that it was just a funk, and I have gotten over it, and gone on to bomb more auditions and recover - and to ROCK several as well.
My therapist once commented that I have a magical perspective on life. I have always believed that everything happens for a reason, and that anything is possible - that dreams come true if you put in the work and make your self open and available to them.
Now that my classes have officially finished I have a bit more time to breathe, and to think, and, subsequently, to get scared. I've never been very realistic about anything, but today something happened that brought me crashing down to that place in which most people live: 'reality.'
Before I tell you that story - I'd like to tell you about the day my father passed away. I had been feeling very close to the spirit world for the whole week that he had been in the hospital, and feeling like all of the songs coming on the radio were speaking to me and sending me messages. Right after he passed I left the hospital to drive home. When I turned on the radio - the Journey song "Don't Stop Believing" was on. In that moment I felt overwhelmed with emotion - it was almost like elation - I felt so connected to him, and I felt that he was telling me - through that song - not to stop believing in him, in God or in my dreams. He was magical to me. Whenever I was upset or confused, or unsure as to what should be my next move - I called him and he sorted me out. I really miss that, and I could sure use his advice now.
I have heard that song many times since then - it has enjoyed quite a revival. Every time I heard it I felt so connected to spirit and to that magical part of life that I believe in. There was one time - about a year after he passed - that I was at this horrible meat market bar called Two Cats in Toronto and I met this wonderful guy. Then the song came on, and I was sure that it was a sign that this guy was someone I could love. I gave him my number and he didn't call, and I stopped believing in the magic of that song.
Today I heard what must have been the Glee version in the grocery store. I thought about how over-played it has become and how I used to think it was such a great song, but now it has become a joke. I didn't think about my Dad at all.
When I got back to the apartment I was checking the breakdowns to see what auditions are coming up. I saw one posted for the touring company of "Rock of Ages." I have been having trouble believing in my singing voice lately. My confidence in that has been slipping for some odd reason.
Lack of self esteem brain interruption . . . .
Even as I write that I just thought - GOD WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?! I have nothing to show for my life. I thought I would come here and the magic of New York would take me in her arms and make all of my dreams come true. Now I just want to run home and get a job. It's been a long time since I had a place that felt like home. In 2009, when my father passed away, I also lost my business and my house. Since then I have been nomadic - I've lived in three countries, in multiple apartments and on multiple people's couches. I feel tired of it.
Ok, I'm back . . .
So I see this breakdown and I click on the link to the website to see what the songs are in the show that I would have to prepare for the audition and guess what song is playing . . . yup - that one.
Now, the question is, do I go and audition for this stupid show? Even though I believe my destiny is to be in film, and on tv and I don't want to waste my time in the theatre because I will never sing like the women on Broadway, and I am not legally allowed to work in this country, and I can't get over my age long enough to get through a dance audition and I only have a few more years before my skin starts to look old on camera and no one will cast me in anything (welcome to the world of my insane brain ladies and gentlemen). I am freaking out.
I have to find a way to kick this fear in the ass, but right now I am over whelmed with it.
So what happened that sent me spiraling down into this self defeat? I auditioned for something that I thought I would get and I didn't get it. I didn't do a good job with my comedic monologue. I went to the library right after and got a better one. I hate being rejected from things sometimes - other times I don't care, but today I did. It's amazing - it doesn't seem like a big thing but it was enough to make me feel like the world is not on my side.
Now I am going to pull myself together and go to my third audition of the day and then to a UCB show tonight so I can watch some really great improvisers remind me of how bad I still am at it.
WOW - I'm a miserable nelly. I'm going to go out and get inspired.
BTW - I do recognize that at some point I need to be happy about all of the auditions I am getting and all of the stuff I am booking - I am frustrated at taking such a step back, but I hope that when I come back to Toronto for the summer that I will . . . I am sick of listening to myself type.